I was lying on the floor on a yoga mat, at a Tibetan buddhist retreat in New York, with 40 other women. My eyes were closed and I could hear Barbara’s voice and background music carefully picked by her. I was taking deep, medium speed inhales and guiding my attention to follow the path of my breath moving inside my body, starting at the nose, going to a certain part of my body, expanding everything in my body on its way through, making more room, filling my cells with oxygen and energy. I felt like the fresh air I was bringing in was cleaning out stale, stagnant molecules in my body, involving them in various chemical reactions, exchanging electrons, atoms, with lots of movement happening at a micro-level. Some people call this more generically, ‘energy’. I’m convinced that what we perceive as ‘energy’ is actually billions of reactions at atomic and sub-atomic level.
I felt a loving quality of the air moving through me, like it was my lover, loving me with deep presence, movement, and playfulness. It was my lover giving me a gift, an experience, and it was the gift itself. I let myself be loved by the air moving through me. I let myself be really present with all the sensations in my body. I was so keenly aware of the tingling, swelling, wetness, pulsation, and subtle muscle movement in my clitoris. And yet I did not try to control them at all or make them do something or be different than what was already happening, moment my moment. I felt my pelvic area drawing the air in effortlessly, like a dancing dialogue between my body and the air.
As I was exhaling, I felt the sensations sweeping through my body. They were clearly more intense in my clitoris and the whole pelvic area, but the same quality of sensations were moving through my body, along with my breath, engaging my gut, chest, breasts, throat, and head. I let sound come out naturally as I was exhaling. Sometimes it was a gutural, low frequency ‘haa!’, ‘hoo!’, sometimes it was a smoother, vocal, higher frequency ‘mmm-aaah-oooh!’. It felt like the vibrations of the sound were moving right along with the breath, with the air, engaging the cells of my body even more.
Compared to a good, down-to-earth clitoral orgasm, in terms of strict physical sensations, this came in at 95% of what a full-release, touch-included, ‘regular’ clitoral orgasm feels like to me. I’ve never experienced this touch-free orgasm before, and I’m grateful to Barbara for introducing me to this and showing me what my body, with the help of breath, awareness, presence and intention can do. It certainly was a big contribution to expanding my sensate focus that led to reaching new levels of pleasure, bliss, ecstasy, and sexual aliveness throughout all of my sexual activities and practices.
More than orgasm. Full range emotions.
The whole experience was much more than just about an orgasm. As we moved our breath awareness to different areas of the body, starting from the tailbone, to pelvic area, to gut, to heart, to throat, to forehead, and top of the head, different sensations, feelings, emotions, thoughts, memories, and new ideas and connections came up. It was an opportunity for our subconscious to express itself and bring things out at a conscious level. For me, after the lustful blissful orgasm, then came peace, then indifference. I then moved through sadness and fear, then peace and joy again. I could tell that the women next to me were having similar experiences, by the sounds they were letting out, some giggling, some weeping and some moaning. It was different for each of us, at each stage, and as a whole. Our unique blend of what was going on for us at that moment got fully expressed, first and foremost, to ourselves. At the end of the experience, each of us was knowing herself better, and maybe loving ourselves more.
How to try this yourself
Make sure you’re pretty well aroused first. Whether it’s a spontaneous arousal, and you’d normally go ‘solve it’ by giving yourself an orgasm in the quickest way possible, try this instead; or maybe you get yourself aroused on purpose: take some massage oil, massage your breasts, your arms, your belly, your groin, vulva, butt cheeks, tailbone. Whatever feels best to you, and try to include as much of your body as it feels good. You can definitely start arousing yourself like you’d normally do, whether it’s using your hands or some toys that you love. Just don’t go into orgasm just yet. Then, try the breathing I described. Don’t make it complicated. In Barbara’s words of wisdom: “just breathe deeper and more fully than you normally would”. Then guide your breath and awareness starting at the tailbone, moving to the pelvic area, and paying special attention here. Stay with the sensations, the arousal, and don’t try to make anything in particular happen. Just have the experience for the sake of the experience and let whatever comes up for you be there and let itself be known by you.
Give it a try
Let me know in the comments if you tried this yourself and how it went for you. I’d love to know that sharing my experience can inspire others to try something new, to gain new sensations, insights, and expand their pleasure in life. Or ask me questions, I’d be happy to answer.
- Barbara Carrellas, breath and energy orgasm expert, author of Urban Tantra http://barbaracarrellas.com/